


Promises

by mulderbaby



Series: Fictober 2020 [11]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fox Mulder Angst, Hurt Fox Mulder, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s05e18 The Pine Bluff Variant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27139391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mulderbaby/pseuds/mulderbaby
Summary: Fictober Day 19Prompt: “I can’t do this anymore.” +  request for PBV angst. It’s more hurt and comfort, but I hope you like it! It was a blast to write.
Relationships: Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Series: Fictober 2020 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980989
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Promises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [impulsive_astrophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/impulsive_astrophile/gifts).



There is no form of communication which speaks such great volumes as silence.

Silence, other than the monotonous ticking of the second hand on his watch. Ticking away the seconds as they sit there at his kitchen table, across from one another. Saying nothing, but thinking about everything. Ticking away the seconds until she no longer has the strength or patience to wait for him to say the words she so desperately needs to hear.

They've been sitting this way for hours, he thinks, although he has now become unaware of anything other than the ticking noise, as if it were counting down the seconds until the time bomb in his head will finally detonate. There is no concern for the devastation it will leave behind, for his life is already in ruins.

Unaware, that is, until he hears her voice.

"Mulder."

It is a voice he doesn't recognize. It sounds as though she too, will explode at any given moment. Does she hear the ticking too? He wonders, glancing down at his bandaged fingers. He'd seen the unbridled fear in her eyes that night, as she set them back in place before tending to the rest of his wounds. How she could be so tender with him after all of his wrongdoing was beyond his ability to comprehend. She'd always been that way with him, and it had always baffled him, but he appreciated it, appreciated her, the way she cared for him no matter how dire the circumstance. The way she looked into his eyes with so much love and concern that it made his heart beat out of his chest.

In this moment, however, he knows that if he were to look into those eyes, he will not be met with the same compassion. If he were to look into those eyes, he will be met with anger. Anger directed at him, at the way he risked not just his life, but the lives of so many others multiple times over the last several days.

But the anger wasn't really the problem. She'd been angry at him before, he'd been angry at her before, and in each of these instances, they'd eventually been able to move past it. No, her anger would not be the problem. The problem is that if he were to look into her eyes, he would see hurt. Hurt which he had inflicted upon her by the own selfish nature of his actions. He'd lied, he'd harmed, he'd kept things from her for what had turned out to be futile reasons, and above all of that, he'd broken her trust. Trust which she'd invested in him so courageously from the very beginning. Trust which had allowed them to be vulnerable with each other, to the point where their relationship had transformed into something that was far from platonic.

That's why they were here, wasn't it? To talk? Because that's what people in relationships do. They talk about things that the partner does that make them upset. They talk about these issues and come up with a plan to resolve them.

They came here to talk, but from the moment they'd sat down at his kitchen table, the only other occupant in the room had been a chilling silence. They came here to talk, and although he hasn’t uttered a single word, she decides that he'd told her everything she needed to know.

His head snaps up as he hears the jingle of her keychain as she fishes it out of her purse. He feels his breathing quicken as she rises from where she sat, refusing to look at him as she zips her purse.

"What are you doing?"

Now it is his own voice that is unrecognizable. It quivers as he speaks, trembles at the thought of being alone here at his apartment tonight. A voice which had been stripped of any strength that once resonated in it, that boldness now replaced by a shakiness as he searched for the words to make her change her mind. Make her stay with him as she'd done so many nights before.

"What am I doing? What am I doing, Mulder?"

Her tone is exasperated. Overwhelmed by the nerve he had to ask her such a pitiful question when there were so many more important questions that needed to be asked.

"Well, what does it look like I'm doing?"

The bitterness, the pedantic nature of her words is like a smack in the face and it stings like one too. He winces like a wounded creature, burying his face in his hands, shielding himself from another slap.

"Stop that!" She seethes, the frustration she'd been repressing now approaching its climax. "Damn it, Mulder, look at me!" She begs, her hands gripping the edge of table as she leans over it.

His hands come down from over his eyes which are now pooling over with hot tears. Seeing him like that, so broken, so helpless, leaves her in tatters, her heart aching for him, her arms longing to wrap him up and protect him from all the evil in the world.

But before she can do any of these things, she realizes, she also needs to make him understand. Understand the hell she'd been through not knowing his whereabouts, not knowing when or if she'd ever see him or hold him again. Understand that he is all she has left, and that she's not ready to give that up. Not ready to have the one she loves and depends on more than anything, taken from her.

"You're leaving.."

His voice is whisper soft, but she hears the pain that lies within it loud and clear. She nods, confirming his trepidation.

"But you promised me.."

The words cut her like a razor blade, cut into her heart and leaving her to bleed out in front of him. She knows she promised him, but after all that had ensued in the previous days, she is no longer sure she can keep it.

"We promised each other, Scully.."

"And you broke your promise, Mulder." She wipes quickly at her eyes, hoping he doesn't notice, but his eyes don't leave her.

His heart sinks to his stomach and he feels like he'll be nauseous as tears steam down his cheeks and onto his unbuttoned white shirt, staining the material. He squeezes his eyes shut, painfully tight, in hopes that it will prevent more from escaping, but it is no use.

Her knuckles are white as she grips the table, the sight of him crumbling before her eyes making it increasingly difficult for her to find the strength to leave him.

"Scully.." he chokes, his breath catching in his throat as he opens his eyes to face her once again. "I'm so sorry.." That last word is nothing short of a whimper as he doubles over, his head falling into his arms which rest upon table as he begins to sob quietly.

Her chest is impossibly tight as her own tears begin to rush down her cheeks, all thought of abandoning him vanishing along with the anger she'd felt earlier. There were other ways to get through to him, ways that didn't involve hurting him like this, hurting him in a way she had promised herself she would never do, no matter how difficult things became.

She pulls a chair beside him, reaching for his non-bandaged hand, squeezing it protectively, affectionately in both of her own. "I wouldn't have done it.." he mumbles into his arm as he she leans in closer to him, giving him all the time he needs to continue.

He turns his head to look at her, his tear-stained cheek pressed against his muscular forearm which too was now soaked with his tears. "I wouldn't have done it if I knew you'd be so mad at me." He says weakly, his eyes apologetic, lashes fluttering as tears continue to fall.

She swallows the lump in her throat as she runs her fingers through his hair, scooting her chair even closer so that she was practically sharing the one he sat in. "Mulder.." she shakes her head, blinking back tears. "I'm not mad at you, Mulder.. I just.. I can't do this anymore.." she sniffles, giving him him a sad smile.

His eyes are once again flooded with fear as he lifts his head from the table, looking at her, terrified of what she is going to say next.

This isn't working, Mulder.  
I can't be with you anymore, Mulder.  
I don't love you anymore, Mulder.  
"Scully.." the tears which had begun to subside at the hand of her gentle touch were now back in full force.

"What, Mulder, what is it?" She cups his cheek in her hand, stroking it delicately, wiping tears from his face as she does so, and it only makes him cry harder. "Mulder, baby," she murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw as she strokes his forearm which rests on the table. "Talk to me, please.."

"I don't want you to leave me.."

Her heart breaks for him as she looks into his eyes, searching for answers, for elaboration. Hadn't she made it clear that she wasn't leaving?

"Mulder, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.."

"You said it, Scully.." She wonders if he can even see through the tears that cloud his eyes, and takes his hand in her own again.

"What, Mulder? What did I say?"

His face scrunches up in pain as she struggles to understand where his trepidation is coming from.

"You can't do this anymore.." he pauses. "Loving me.."

Her lip quivers as she pulls his trembling body haphazardly against her own, as close as she can get him given their height difference and the positioning of the chairs. She lets him sob into her chest, balling up the fabric of her shirt in his fists as she strokes his hair and his rubs his back, trying everything she knows to soothe him so that she can talk some sense into him. How could he think such a thing?  
"You stop that right now. Do you hear me?" She presses her lips against his ear for emphasis, her arm dipping under his neck and around his shoulder, squeezing him tight. "I love you so much." Another kiss, this time to his neck, and then another and another until he finally lifts his head from against her chest, resting it against her shoulder, his forehead pressing against her cheek. She presses another kiss there, to his forehead, brushing away a few more tears from his cheeks.

"Mulder.." she sighs against his hair, ruffling it affectionately as he wraps his arms tightly around her waist, determined not to let her go.

"Mulder, when I said that.." she has to pause to catch her breath as she feels his hot tears against her neck. "What I meant is that I was never mad at you, Mulder.. but that I was scared.." He nuzzles her gently, tightening his grip on her. "I was so fucking scared, that I was going to lose you, Mulder.." she kisses his hair, her finger scraping gently against his upper back through the fabric of his shirt. "Every time you disappeared.. I was scared that I was never going to see you again.."

He hugs her so tight now that she might break in two, but she can't bring herself to care. She never wants him to let go.

"I know." He murmurs apologetically. "I know, and I'm so sorry, Dana. I'm so sorry.."

"Shh." She hushes him with a kiss to the tip of his nose. "I'm almost finished." He manages time snuggle closer, pressing a kiss to her neck, signaling her to continue.

"That lying awake at night.. not knowing where you are, if you're okay, if you're even alive.." She chokes on her words again and this time he pulls himself up, loosening his hold on her and instead bringing her hand to his lips, kissing it tenderly. A lingering kiss that gives her the strength she needed to continue.

"That, Mulder.. that's what I can't do anymore. I won't do it anymore. So I'm asking you, begging you, please don't make me.." The hand he had been holding finds the back of his neck, her fingers running through the ends of his hair, two fingers pressing, urging him closer.

"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

He kisses her sweetly, gently, and she can’t help the tearful smile that spread across her face as he pulled back, looking at her adoringly.

"Promise me, Mulder.. no more risking your life. You're too precious to me." She strokes his cheek as he looks at her, eyes once filled with pain and confusion, now filled with love and understanding.

"I won't lose you.."

Now it was his turn to give her a tearful smile.

"No, you won't." He presses a kiss to her forehead, pulling her up onto his lap, her legs draped over his own. One of her arms wraps possessively around his waist from behind as the other slips into his unbuttoned shirt until it finds his heart, reveling in its steady rhythm, and the knowledge that it beats only for her, and only ever will beat for her.

"Mulder?" She mumbles against his neck, kissing the sensitive spot behind his ear making him squirm a little, earning a satisfied smile from her.

"Yes, my dear?"

"Promise me?" She squeezes him with both arms now, cherishing the ability to hold him like this again. Loving that he is here, safe in her arms, and that he is hers.

"Scully." She looks up at him, her eyes full of hope as her nose presses against his cheek.

"I promise."  
And with his promise, the room is silent once again as they sit there, kissing one another, slow but passionate. Holding one another, with no intent of letting go anytime soon.

Silence, because sometimes, on rare occasions like this one, words are no longer needed.

•••


End file.
